Sunday, June 29, 2008

New

Auto-complete is a funny thing. You start typing a title and get a little jolt from the past. I typed with word "new" in this title and my computer wanted it to be "New Beginnings, Same old mistakes."

What the hell is that??

I have no idea when I said that. It wasn't, in fact, here ( I checked). It is also, for me, ridiculously pessimistic and negative. Change may not be my favorite thing to cope with, but it has to happen. Make it the best possible, try and get something new from it. Or at least, that is how I think I think I am. Stuff like auto-complete tends to bash my head about a little.

So I got a new job. We're moving away from our life with this step. I am, in fact, scared. Not as to whether or not I can do the job - I am confident that I can. I am scared about my judgment. And that is a devastating thing to be scared about. I have been told many times that my judgment is flawed. It was always in the context of doing exactly what someone else told me to do, rather than following my own instincts, so you would think that would make me want to stick to my guns more. Apparently not. And it gets tangled up with authority figures and roles of responsibility. Basically, it makes the people who said I have crappy judgment correct. Screw that.

This is a different kind of job for me. Not in terms of work, but in terms of structure, culture. Attitude. I can learn all the things I was hoping to learn from my last position and more I would never be able to learn here. New things. New Beginnings. Maybe some new mistakes, sure, but new mistakes are a lot more interesting than the same old ones. And if I do make old mistakes, well, maybe they will look different in the new place, and I can learn to stop making them.

All the wonderfulness of an apricot, just with a new skin.

2 comments:

Leilani Love Lee said...

Congratulations sweetie! I WANT details!

~L

Madeline said...

I called the job prospect today and told them I was not taking it. She had just been talking about me to some coworkers...about how great it will be, can't wait till you see her stuff, ect. Damn, do I feel guilty. Did I want to get out on my own? Yes, and the fact that I couldn't wait to make my own stuff makes this so much harder. I keep conveniently forgetting the bad stuff and the HUGE reasons that I didn't want this job. Like no 401K, not working with my schedule 9 (NINE!) months in advance. Still though, does not counter the guilt I feel that they are in a bind to find someone else or that fear that perhaps I really fucked this up and should have taken it. SHIT!